Following last week’s report of a supposed outbreak of foodborne illness last month at the fancy Delfina eatery in San Francisco that was not reported to public health types, Inside Scoop SF reports that Delfina has now provided a statement, complete with dick fingers and exclamation marks.

This unfortunate incident is an isolated case and happened to a private party. There is no reason for any alarm or panic from our customers or throughout our city. We are confident that this is not a part of an epidemic or outbreak and are still working with the health department. We would like to assure the public that there is no “tainted lettuce” outbreak in San Francisco as reported by SFist and then spread throughout the Internet. Below is our account of the incident:

A group of fifty rented out the restaurant for a private dinner with a set menu for their holiday party on December 10, approximately one month ago.

A day-and-a-half later we were informed that approximately half the group reported symptoms consistent with those of food poisoning.

We believe we narrowed the culprit down to three of the most likely menu items from the private party menu. We contacted the purveyors of the most suspect ingredients to inform them of what happened

After contacting the Department of Health we decided not to report it since it was a contained isolated incident.

At the end of the day, and as we expressed to the affected group, we take full responsibility and are truly sorry to be the cause of their discomfort. We are in the business of providing pleasure, not misery!

Big tip of the hat to the students at New York’s Pace University and a Colbert wag of the finger to Lackmann Culinary Services, which runs the school cafeteria, and was closed after health inspectors discovered it was a dump.

DNAinfo.com reports the city shut down Pace's main dining hall, along with the school's coffee kiosk and late-night eatery, last Thursday after observing workers touching food with their bare hands and storing perishable items at unsafe temperatures.

The 79 violation points also included citations for dirty clothing, no soap in the bathroom and un-sanitized cloths.

And just like in the UAE, a company spokesthingy had to say, health and safety are the company's top priorities.

Which is why Lackmann only now plans to hire a full-time sanitarian and has already made changes to better monitor food temperatures. Students said they noticed the staff wearing gloves for the first time.

They got caught.

The students are having none of it and have Facebook-planned a boycott of the cafeteria.

Orlando Olave, 22, a Pace senior who said he knew several people who believe they have gotten food poisoning from the cafeteria, adding,

"I felt like it was going to happen eventually. [The workers'] aprons are usually dirty, and they wipe their hands on them."

Ashley Cetinkaya, 19, a Pace freshman who plans to buy her lunch elsewhere from now on, said,

"It's unacceptable considering the prices they charge us. I'm not going to be eating there again."

A Pace spokesthingy said the university is meeting with students this week "to discuss their grievances and the university’s plans for addressing them."

Pace students, take some food safety knowledge with you to the meeting and you’ll know far more than the bureaucrats or the catering firm.